Best Of Mountain Project: Overheard At The Crag (Part I)

The thread had a lot of this…

Every writer knows that a “hook” is required at the start of a piece to draw the reader’s interest. This week on The Best Of Mountain Project we have a thread of “hooks”, hilarious quotes/stories with varying amounts of limited context. Here are my picks from the first 23 pages this still growing 33-page thread of hilarious anecdotes, hours of arguing (about Christianity, stick clips, and slab routes), and (of course) making fun of boulderers.

Pnelson: More a guide story, but this past summer as I was hiking a group of middle school-age kids in for some 5.3 toproping, I heard one girl say to her friend, "don't be scared, I think we have about a 90% chance of surviving."

tdoughtyjr: Evacuee in the hospital after a multi thousand foot ice slide down San Jac's Snow Creek and helo evac, "F**k'n Crampons!"

Sean Fujimori: "People were touching like, V8-V9 starts without chalk on their hands, and I was like stop! This is going to be here forever, be nice to it!"

Jennifer Raven: Gentleman with a prosthesis on one arm to his belayer, "How many fingers am I holding up? *shows prosthetic*"

Ward Smith: 1982, Overweight tourist at J Tree in a ten gallon hat.  He asked what we were doing, and when we told him, he looked up at Intersection Rock and said: "Climb? I couldn't climb up that if I had HELIUM up my butt."

John RB: On Generation Gap (11a, Clear Creek Colorado) a very beginner climber was leading at the 7th bolt about 45' up, having aided the climb by pulling on draws.  He was about 20 years old, quite overweight; his belayer was probably 50, very skinny, no teeth, covered in tattoos and smoking and yelling instructions.  Georgia plates.  

The terrifying thing: the leader was removing every quickdraw as he ascended, so he never had more than a single draw attached to the rope at any one time.  He decided to bail at bolt 7, using a bail biner.  With only one draw in, and balancing on two footholds with a decent left gaston, be pulls the only draw leaving nothing in, hangs his bail biner, then clips the rope to the bail biner and lowers off.

When he lowered off, I asked him what he thought of the route.  "It's great" he said, "that was actually my first lead; how did I do?"  I replied, "well, normally you leave your quickdraws in as you climb; you were pulling every draw on the way up, trusting your life to a single draw and bolt repeatedly.  And at one point you were attached to nothing at all."  He said, "well, I trust my belayer."  

The belayer was nodding along…

Doctor Drake: My friend was attempting a beached whale top out on a boulder where she couldn’t see below her waist.

“Where are my feet?!” she yelled anxiously to anyone who would listen.

“At the end of your legs,” replied Steve, lounging on a pad, looking into the distance, possibly high as a kite.

Maidy Vasquez: Overheard at the Owens Gorge:  Young American guy has teamed up with some German guys.  

American guy yells down "What's the German word for 'take'?"

German (dead serious and with some disdain): "Zer is no German word for 'take'..."

Old lady H: "I think you just found the 'd' part!"

KJ C: North End at Cathedral Ledge. Father and son top roping with all new gear.

The kid is about 20+ feet up the climb, lots of slack in the system.

"Hang on a second" says the father while looking at the pages on belaying in a brand new copy of Mountaineering:  The Freedom of the Hills.

J Mills: Guy belaying: "It's totally fine! You're on top rope, you can climb anywhere you want!"

I look up to see the girl about 20 ft. up and 15 ft. off-route/off the bolt line, full-on bear hugging a completely detached refrigerator-sized block half-hanging over a ledge.

Jarrod Webb: I actually heard this once at a canyon where I climb. My friend who is 60 and still climbs great but cant see for shit, saw someone coming down the trail w a stick clip and said, " there ain't no fish in here."

Colonel Mustard: “Who brought the rack?”

Three hands went up. Sickness. We were going to see some cowboy climbing with extemporaneous narration. Hum diggy.

“And ropes?” Was shouted out to the rowdy collection of knights errant.

Heads shot up, looked around, none found. Three racks, no ropes.

The walk out was long, the crew gravitating to pursuits more in realm of campsite refreshments than in the practicalities of climbing gear necessities.

Doctor Drake: My friend and I were approached by a family as we were walking down the road with our gear to the crag. She had the rope, so the little girl comes up to her all puppy-eyed and blurts out, “WOOOOW. Are you a climber or a boulderer?” My partner smiled and replied “I’m a climber,” as I proceeded to lose my shit and die of laughter. 

Kevin Mokracek: Heard at the base of the Weeping Wall, Suicide Rock California

Climber 1. "I thought you said these were sport routes"

Climber 2.  " they are, they are all bolted"

Garrett Hopkins: “Yeah bro, top roping is the safest way to climb Forsure, you can commit to any hard moves you want and not worry.”

Friend proceeds to take a huge swinging toprope whipper out from under a roof straight into a tree

Kristan Solem: Tahquitz Rock. Some noobs climbing off to my left were doing the Trough. I heard the ping, ping, ping of a belay device bouncing down the face, followed by the leader's call,

"What do I do now?"

Sam D: Hiker:  What's that mattress thing on your back for?

Friend 1:  We're narcoleptic hikers

Friend 2:  *falls backwards and pretends to sleep*

Hiker:  Oh my gosh!  Is he okay?

Friend 1:  Yeah, this happens.

Evan LovelyMeyers: While bouldering around Smith rock. Some hikes passed. One asked the others "what are they doing". Pointing towards us.  "Oh those are the climbers who are afraid of heights" responds their friend.

Daniel Rider: Several popular climbs start from the base of a popular hike/bike trail. Old dude and his wife come along. I'm about 30 feet up. Stares for a moment.

"There's some steeper ones over there, guys."

Pete S: Back in late 90s at RRG, my friends and I waited for some guys to finish climbing Fuzzy Undercling.  Climber yells “watch me!” So his belayer dutifully backed up 25-30 feet to get a better view....!!!  

The rest of the story... 10 seconds later the Climber falls off 4th or 5th bolt.  The force drags belayer across the ground then gets knocked out cold on the big rock at the base.  Fortunately their gri gri held!  The climber was about 4ft off the deck with his unconscious and bloodied belayer splayed out.   Our crew all bought gri gris after that!!!

Jeff Sssss: Climber 1, at the anchor : I'm gonna belay you from up here.

Climber 2: Is that so that you don't have to climb it twice to clean?

C1: It'll make it easier, but that's not why.

no explanation why C1 wants to belay from the top

Later...

C1: Does your knot look like an 8?

C2: I think so.

C1: slowly yells instructions for tying a figure 8

C2: Okay, now it looks like an 8.

long silence

C2: Wait, shouldn't it go through my harness?