Best Of Mountain Project: Overheard At The Crag (Part 2)

After a break from spending hours reading through this incredibly long (but hilarious and extremely off-topic) thread, it’s time to get back to Overheard At The Crag! It’s time for more face-palming, ignorant gumbys, and cringy sketchiness… Here are some of the best posts (as of 1/28/22) of this ever-growing mass of anecdotes.

Mountain Rodent: "I don't like granite, it's too slippery."

-overheard yesterday at Smith 

Dante L: While climbing at a popular sport wall in Red Rock a few years ago:

Overheard from the party next to us on a .11

Belayer: "Dude, you're the hand"

Climber about 40' up: "What?"

Belayer: "You're the hand, dude"

Climber: "What?"

Belayer: "The grigri is backwards don"t fall"

Mountain Rodent: "You want a divorce because I want a second dog, I want a divorce because you rack gates in." 

S Saunders: “Feeling lucky…”

Said by a guy, walking by with rope and rack,  who I witnessed the day before take a 50 footer onto his back when he committed to an improper rap setup at Sandrock, AL.

When I ran over to him that day before, he was motionless and staring blankly. Another idiotic quote came from me as I leaned over him: “Dude, you ok?” He whispered that he thought he “just had the wind knocked out” him.

B Newt Riverman: "It's OK to top rope through the hooks, I paid my $30 to the BCC this year." Canal Zone, Clear Creek Canyon

Logan Peterson: "Check it out bro. You only need 2 draws to lead anything...Okay yeah, clip that first draw onto the bolt and then put your rope in it...Now do the same thing at the second bolt....Okay, now I'm gonna lower you to the first draw.....Take that draw off and then you're gonna put it on the third bolt."

About this time, we tried to reason with the man in charge, but he cut us off with, "Dude. I know what I'm doing."

Chris Joe: I was waiting in line to climb the Southeast Face of Emerson and saw a dude with his GF racked up with 2 cams, 5 locking carabiners, an alpine draw. I thought at best maybe they want to go light on the first pitch (only pitch you need pro on) since there was 2000 ft of climbing. The BF proceeds to solo the first pitch with the rope coiled on his back as his GF and I were left clueless at the base. About 20 minutes later and a few shouts with no response, we see the end of a rope get thrown down the face of the climb. The GF looks at us with a terrified look and said "I have no idea what to do." So my partner and I help her tie in and yell at the BF to pull up the slack. The BF has no idea what we're calling out for and continues to yell "you can climb now!!" After the slack is finally pulled, I tell the climber that she should yell "climbing" to which she does and hears no response. She eventually starts to climb a couple feet only to fall immediately after (luckily with the slack slightly taken in). Barely missing a ground fall she yells up, "I can't do this as my 2nd outdoor climb! I think this is too hard!" and then unties and just sits at the base. My partner and I were in shock.. we couldn't believe this dude just took his GF on a climbing date in the Sierras with little to no experience. After waiting another 20 minutes with no response from the BF with precious sunlight getting wasted away, I said F it and tied in and proceeded to climb. When I get to the BF, not only does he think his GF is still climbing, but his anchor for his belay is a girth hitched 1" chockstone in a parallel crack. I looked him straight in the eye and said bro you need to rappel back to your GF now and call it a day. I build an anchor and let the BF rappel off of it while my partner is shouting at him to keep his brake hand on.

abandon moderation: After doing a route variation to pass a sketchy party above us, we asked about the rockfall they triggered:

"Well I got to the ledge and it was just sitting there. There was, like, nowhere to put it."

Matt Robinson: Overheard at the gym: "you can tell who the people who are close to professionals are because they have more stuff on their harness"

By more stuff they mean the 2 random quickdraws, quicklink, and PAS which a few not quite intermediate level climbers seem to have permanently attached to their gym harnesses for toproping 25ft 5.9s

Will J: Boyfriend is leading.  The girlfriend belaying has all the accoutrements you could ever want — belay glasses, belay gloves, a plethora of lead certifications, and even a spare belay device (I suppose in case her grigri wore out during the session.)

Boyfriend looks a little uneasy on the climb, but his clipping is solid.  I know because he loudly announced each clip so I had plenty of warning to watch.

After the fourth or so clip (well into safe fall territory) his foot skates off and he (clearly to his surprise) takes a 2ish foot fall.  The girlfriend is incensed!  “You forgot to say falling!  That could’ve been really dangerous!!”

a bloc: At the Red (where else?), a couple bros: “Ya we just did our first 12a yesterday and heard 14a is just pumpy 12a between each bolt.”

Guy waiting to get on his proj: “Ummmm ok ya sure, I’ll watch”

Bro pulls on the wall, instantly starfished, “TaaAAaÄake!”

Then his ill-fated stick-clip top-rope ass-first pendulum through the sandy base under the climb: The tension was juuuust enough to his center of mass off the ground but he was still able to flail every limb through the silt until he came to a rest, a real sight.

“Dirt me!” He commanded, and was lowered 5 inches. Now erect, smacking dust off himself like a chimney sweep caricature “Oh well, maybe someday”

Guy waiting totally deadpan “you sure you’re done? Looks like you got it next try!”

Bro “really, ya think? Ya why not”

A minute later: “TaæãAaake”. Another epic bum dragger sand plume. “Ugh so clooooose, cool if i try again?”

Guy now eating an apple with a grin “honestly, I got aaaall day, you got this man”

Adam D: "I'm kind of hung over and i had a BANG energy on an empty stomach so I probably won't send this" - 30 seconds after approaching a 5.9 wit da squad 

Peter BrownWhale: Gumby leader of group of even bigger gumbies after being unable to make it to the top of the easiest route at the crag "My fingers are really weak today, it's because I got a new mouse at work yesterday"

Luke marcoon: *new climbers at Cathedral Ledge, one is up top rigging a second toprope anchor (taking over 20 minutes at this point), climber on ground: "what's taking so long?, You want me to rappel up there?" Thats when my head turned, to see him put his ATC, no backup, on both ends of the existing toprope, and yank his way up the 80ft pitch, taking in slack with every tiny yank. Somehow he did not give up

C H: It was a misty morning on the elusive slopes of Mount Rubidoux. I carried a single boulder pad and walked fast over broken glass and discarded Happy Meals in search of crisp dime-edges. I crossed paths with a typical middle-aged couple, out for a pleasant morning stroll. “Oh look Jim! You outta get one of those” the lady says, referring to my pad. Jim grunts and nods agreeably. Just after we cross paths the woman turns to Jim and whispers, as if sharing a juicy secret, “they use those to do Zumba up there”. I’ve heard many a strange crash-pad theories down at the Doux but this was probably the funniest.

Matt H: ~10 years ago at the RRG in spring break season. Climbing with some friends on their first time outdoors, we head to Muir Valley and check out Bruise Bros for the first and last time. The climber on the neighboring route takes a whip and, seconds later, yells 'I think I lost my F%$# finger!'. Surprisingly little fanfare is had as his partners find the detached digit and walk the climber out. Climber is insistent that he doesn't know what happened, but he definitely didn't put his finger in the bolt hanger.

2 days later, his friends are out climbing while he's laid up in the Miguel's basement, arm immobilized in a device holding his reattached finger steady. Someone walks into the basement, sees him, and asks what happened. "Oh, I put my finger in the bolt hangar and fell, and it cut it off."

Honourable Mention (becuase it is not an overheard quote, but too good to leave out): Hson P posted this link: http://publications.americanalpineclub.org/articles/13198604902/Stranded-Inadequate-Equipment-Inexperience-Dehydration-Utah-Zion-National-Park